You’ve been wondering what it’s like Under the Table, haven’t you? It’s dark, y’all. Dark and dirty. Dark, dirty and fraught with danger.
You’ll remember that last month, at CLAW 1, The Under the Table Empire was Under the Table and on the Floor, with the nether regions of The Ref awfully close by. This month The Empire parked herself on the opposite side of the Official Table. This was better for every one, yes?
While still on the floor, and of course Under the Table, The Empire was not quite so hunched over this month, on account of a New and Improved platform for the Official Table. This allowed The Empire to seat herself on the floor keeping feet and bottoms at eye level. Much easier on her back and neck, thank you.
Also New and Improved for CLAW 2 – flags! In order to facillitate the calling of Under the Table Fouls, The Empire was equipped with arresting blaze orange flags. She knows you couldn’t miss them.
Now, there was some gentle disagreement with The Empire over what constitutes an Under the Table Foul. For everyone’s edification:
- at least one buttock must remain in the chair at all times
- both feet must be on the floor and under the table
- there is no kicking or otherwise harassing, by wrestlers or spectators, of the Under the Table Umpire, aka The Empire.
- the above can be flouted, flagrantly, for the correct price.
All that said, let it be known that, while there was some *ahem* trouble with some of the wrestlers, there was also exemplary behavior from some others. Lefty Red rushed toThe Empire’s aid with half of her Medicinal Shot, which was much apprieciated, as The Empire was very, very thirsty. In addition to said medical aid from the good Lefty, Cowgirl Sady-istic kindly fetched The Empire a refeshing glass of water so the match could go on without The Empire expiring Down There. Many thanks to those wrestlers who availed themselves so kindly to The Empire. She won’t forget you.
As for some of the other, less kind, hi-jinx perpetrated by other wrestlers *cough*Southpaw*cough* – let it be known that these sorts of antics will not be tolerated.
So though it’s dark and dirty and dangerous Down There Under the Table, somebody has to be there – keeping the matches clean and safe for all wrestlers. Watch your feet and The Empire will see y’all next month.