Category Archives: CLAWiana

CLAW X Smackdown of Champions on 11/11

This is it, folks! The final CLAW of 2008 and maybe… EVER. All stops will be pulled out, if you know what I’m sayin’. This all-champion edition features the winners of the 2008 physical competitions in the most ferocious, bloodthirsty battle for the ultimate crown. Who knows what will happen as these champs claw their way to the fakest victory yet. The contestants are:

Kaity “The Harrible” Harr
Kara “The Homewrecker” Dawson
Serena “Bridezilla” Gruia
Reagan “Tragedy Ann” Greenfield
Steph “Trixie the Vault Mancini” Finn
Tara “Pitbull” Hodges
Kristin “Tinkerhell” Solomon
Jennifer “Cville Knievel” Tidwell

(Champ Amy “Bunny Hampton” Ferguson will not be participating on account of being three minutes away from delivering her baby.)

Did I mention we’re doing it for the children? Well, technically for Computers for the Children aka Computers 4 Kids?

We are thrilled to announce that our celebrity judges include Rita Mae Brown and Permament Lifetime Judge Jim Waive.

As always, we’ll be accompanied by our house band Straight Punch to the Crotch. The smackdown will be followed by a dance party, featuring DJ Western Front.

**Empty your bank account. REMEMBER TO BRING $$ for betting, bribing, fancy new CLAW books, CLAW film, fancy new trading cards & t-shirts. And drinks.**

**DRESS WARMLY. We’ll be outside under a large heated tent.**

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CLAW Anthem Available for Download from Monkeyclaus

Thanks to the folks at Monkeyclaus, the CLAW Anthem by Straight Punch to the Crotch is now available for download on the Monkeyclaus website.  Just click on the album cover below. Thanks, Abel and Peter!

CLAW Anthem by Straight Punch to the Crotch

CLAW Anthem by Straight Punch to the Crotch

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The CLAW Book is Done!

While we’re eagerly awaiting the numbers from the Blue Moon in order to determine our fundraising total for this past Tuesday’s CLAW 9, I wanted to let you know that Billy Hunt’s beautiful A CLAW To Remember: The Charlottesville Lady Arm Wrestlers 2008 Retrospective is done! The lovely layout is by our friends at Alloy Workshop. You can buy your copy at Billy’s art opening at The Bridge Progressive Arts Initiative on Friday, November 7th, starting at 6:00 p.m.  This will be a CLAW-tastic art opening with wrestlers signing your copies (with their fists) and demonstrating how to safely dominate in the field of Ladies Arm Wrestling. After that, you can perhaps snag a copy at CLAW X: The Final Smackdown on November 11th behind the Blue Moon Diner. Check back tomorrow for the CLAW 9 Wrapup!

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CLAW 8 on 9/9 for Books Behind Bars

What’s the connection between lady arm wrestlers, prisoners, and literature? Who knows? It just so happens this CLAW will mark our third event for a prison-related organization, this time Kay Allison’s (of Quest Bookshop) Books Behind Bars, a 20-year-long project that buys and mails books to prisoners on request.

We’re also excited to announce that Jenny Johnson, a local writer and old school CLAW fan, recently won her way into the 50 Best New Poets anthology with a poem written about CLAW, called “Ladies’ Arm Wrestling at the Blue Moon Diner.” She will be reading this poem at CLAW 8. Please get there early, as we exceeded our 300-person capacity by 8:30 last time! It goes a little something like this:

Ladies’ Arm Wrestling Match at The Blue Moon Diner

On a red booth with Rose, right hand bracing a beer,
left elbow dismantling a pastoral, we shout into the throng—

In a leather body suit, Stiletto squeezes, insists, reconciles,
hazel eyes working overtime on the fist of her opponent.

Under the table there’s a penalty, “Left foot off the ground!”
A python en-circling her bicep, Sidewinder hisses like this:  Sss Sss Sss

Then, Cheryl, golden as Carhartts, softening us,

“My grandma always told me if life gives you lemons

throw ’em away.” And so, we loosen. We shuffle off sore tendons.
Tuesdays. And insults cat-called out Chevy windows.

Clinking whiskey glasses, we wipe away sweat and
old flames who only leave muscles warm in daydreams.

Before the heat begins again, I have this vision
of a kid kicking up dust for hours in the road.

All I ever found in the gravel was the paper body,
what the gartersnake shed. Take off that old suit, tonight.

Even as your good arm shudders to the mat
like the waning crescent meeting the mouth of the Shenandoah.

In new skin, come back again and again. Own this acreage.
This new ground rippling under rolled sleeves.

–Jenny Johnson

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Purple Haze is August’s CLAW of the Month on C-Ville Weekly

Purple Haze, our resident Harminatrix, explains what  we’re doing for CLAW 7 tonight:

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Lyrics to “I Love My CLAW” by Straight Punch to the Crotch

I knocked the light out of the sun with my claw
I sailed the seven seas with my claw
I scratched my head with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my claw?

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

Mama said cook the chicken I say, “Hell No!”
Daddy said clean up, he know where to go
There’s only one thing I’ve got to do now
Suitin’ up gonna let these guns roll

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

I threw the I-Ching with my claw
I rang the Church bells with my Claw
I saved Hanuman with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my Claw

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

This is the life I lead
Opening the flood gates, take it to the mat now

Now I’ve got everything I need
My home, my country, all my sisters now

Here I am coming at you full speed
I’m a freight train running through your back door

Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be
First a beat down, then another beat down.

I love my, I love my CLAW
I love my, I love my CLAW

~Copyright 2008 Straight Punch to the Crotch

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