CLAW X Smackdown of Champions on 11/11

This is it, folks! The final CLAW of 2008 and maybe… EVER. All stops will be pulled out, if you know what I’m sayin’. This all-champion edition features the winners of the 2008 physical competitions in the most ferocious, bloodthirsty battle for the ultimate crown. Who knows what will happen as these champs claw their way to the fakest victory yet. The contestants are:

Kaity “The Harrible” Harr
Kara “The Homewrecker” Dawson
Serena “Bridezilla” Gruia
Reagan “Tragedy Ann” Greenfield
Steph “Trixie the Vault Mancini” Finn
Tara “Pitbull” Hodges
Kristin “Tinkerhell” Solomon
Jennifer “Cville Knievel” Tidwell

(Champ Amy “Bunny Hampton” Ferguson will not be participating on account of being three minutes away from delivering her baby.)

Did I mention we’re doing it for the children? Well, technically for Computers for the Children aka Computers 4 Kids?

We are thrilled to announce that our celebrity judges include Rita Mae Brown and Permament Lifetime Judge Jim Waive.

As always, we’ll be accompanied by our house band Straight Punch to the Crotch. The smackdown will be followed by a dance party, featuring DJ Western Front.

**Empty your bank account. REMEMBER TO BRING $$ for betting, bribing, fancy new CLAW books, CLAW film, fancy new trading cards & t-shirts. And drinks.**

**DRESS WARMLY. We’ll be outside under a large heated tent.**

The CLAW Book is Done!

While we’re eagerly awaiting the numbers from the Blue Moon in order to determine our fundraising total for this past Tuesday’s CLAW 9, I wanted to let you know that Billy Hunt’s beautiful A CLAW To Remember: The Charlottesville Lady Arm Wrestlers 2008 Retrospective is done! The lovely layout is by our friends at Alloy Workshop. You can buy your copy at Billy’s art opening at The Bridge Progressive Arts Initiative on Friday, November 7th, starting at 6:00 p.m.  This will be a CLAW-tastic art opening with wrestlers signing your copies (with their fists) and demonstrating how to safely dominate in the field of Ladies Arm Wrestling. After that, you can perhaps snag a copy at CLAW X: The Final Smackdown on November 11th behind the Blue Moon Diner. Check back tomorrow for the CLAW 9 Wrapup!

CLAW 8 on 9/9 for Books Behind Bars

What’s the connection between lady arm wrestlers, prisoners, and literature? Who knows? It just so happens this CLAW will mark our third event for a prison-related organization, this time Kay Allison’s (of Quest Bookshop) Books Behind Bars, a 20-year-long project that buys and mails books to prisoners on request.

We’re also excited to announce that Jenny Johnson, a local writer and old school CLAW fan, recently won her way into the 50 Best New Poets anthology with a poem written about CLAW, called “Ladies’ Arm Wrestling at the Blue Moon Diner.” She will be reading this poem at CLAW 8. Please get there early, as we exceeded our 300-person capacity by 8:30 last time! It goes a little something like this:

Ladies’ Arm Wrestling Match at The Blue Moon Diner

On a red booth with Rose, right hand bracing a beer,
left elbow dismantling a pastoral, we shout into the throng—

In a leather body suit, Stiletto squeezes, insists, reconciles,
hazel eyes working overtime on the fist of her opponent.

Under the table there’s a penalty, “Left foot off the ground!”
A python en-circling her bicep, Sidewinder hisses like this:  Sss Sss Sss

Then, Cheryl, golden as Carhartts, softening us,

“My grandma always told me if life gives you lemons

throw ’em away.” And so, we loosen. We shuffle off sore tendons.
Tuesdays. And insults cat-called out Chevy windows.

Clinking whiskey glasses, we wipe away sweat and
old flames who only leave muscles warm in daydreams.

Before the heat begins again, I have this vision
of a kid kicking up dust for hours in the road.

All I ever found in the gravel was the paper body,
what the gartersnake shed. Take off that old suit, tonight.

Even as your good arm shudders to the mat
like the waning crescent meeting the mouth of the Shenandoah.

In new skin, come back again and again. Own this acreage.
This new ground rippling under rolled sleeves.

–Jenny Johnson

CLAW 7 Raises $2,081 for Food Not Bombs

On August 12th, the CLAWs staged their seventh tournament, with the net proceeds of $2,081 going to the local chapter of Food Not Bombs. It was an anarchic, unpredictable and fruitful night, much like Food Not Bombs itself. Billy Hunt’s photos are here and Missy Colombo’s are here. Congratulations to the final duo of Tragedy Ann and The School Marm.

CLAW to Raise Funds for SARA on July 8th

CLAW is pleased to announce that July 8th we will wrestle in the name of S.A.R.A., or the Sexual Assault Resource Agency. This event will take place rain or shine from 8-10 PM behind the Blue Moon Diner under a tent. Bring your friends and some cash for bribing, betting and merch!

Lyrics to “I Love My CLAW” by Straight Punch to the Crotch

I knocked the light out of the sun with my claw
I sailed the seven seas with my claw
I scratched my head with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my claw?

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

Mama said cook the chicken I say, “Hell No!”
Daddy said clean up, he know where to go
There’s only one thing I’ve got to do now
Suitin’ up gonna let these guns roll

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

I threw the I-Ching with my claw
I rang the Church bells with my Claw
I saved Hanuman with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my Claw

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

This is the life I lead
Opening the flood gates, take it to the mat now

Now I’ve got everything I need
My home, my country, all my sisters now

Here I am coming at you full speed
I’m a freight train running through your back door

Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be
First a beat down, then another beat down.

I love my, I love my CLAW
I love my, I love my CLAW

~Copyright 2008 Straight Punch to the Crotch

CLAW Raises $1005 for S.H.E. on June 10th!

On June 10th, beneath a crackling, lightning filled sky, under a white tent, next to a white garage, the Charlottesville Lady Arm Wrestlers transformed their dirty, backroom activities at the Blue Moon Diner into … well, dirty outdoor activities at the Blue Moon Diner. According to our sky-CLAW blimp, there were somewhere between 100-300 people in attendance at CLAW 5. Rosie was back on the mike as emcee, The Empire was back under the table, and Straight Punch to the Crotch dazzled the audience with their new CLAW anthem as well as many other rockin’ songs for the crowd to dance to. The Ref brought a new, mostly AAA regulation toolkit containing handcuffs, kazoos, a ratchet set, a saw and some other unmentionables.

We had 2, not one, sound guys and almost managed to have the wrasslers’ theme songs play correctly, i.e. out loud, and in the right order. We had a fantastic display of appropriately poor sportsladyship and creativity with a bunch of new wrestlers. Here was the round 1 lineup (* indicates winner of matchup):

1
Unholy Betty Roller (Lisa Speidel)*
Mohammed Sugar Ray Cato Bruce Lee (Sara Elizabeth)

2
The Punctuator (Cathy Harding)
Tinkerhell (Kristin Hennings Solomon)*

3
Ulysses S. Nopants (Lily McVey)
Purple Haze (Amy McLeskey)*

4
The Pitbull (Tara Hodges)*
Sparkles (Lara Fisher)

The final round was a matchup between TinkerHell (who doesn’t give a@#$% if you believe in fairies) and The Pitbull, with TinkerHell taking the championship and winning the crowd favorite title and trophy. The event raised $1,005 for the Shelter for Help in Emergency (SHE).

Next Tournament: July 8th. Charity TBD.

CLAW 5 Under a Tent on June 10th to Support S.H.E.

Please join the CLAWs this Tuesday, June 10th, from 8-10 PM, for our first-ever outdoor tournament behind the Blue Moon Diner! This month, the proceeds from merchandise sales, fake betting and bribing benefit the Shelter for Help in Emergency (S.H.E.).

The Shelter for Help in Emergency works to end domestic violence in our community by providing a 24 hour crisis hotline, emergency shelter, court advocacy, information and referrals and supportive counseling in Charlottesville, Louisa, Nelson, Fluvanna, Green and Albemarle Counties. Currently, in addition to cash, they are in need of bus tickets, grocery cards, phone cards, used cell phones, household and toiletry items to help the clients who are seeking safety and shelter at the facility.

I think it’s fitting that we will occupy a new shelter for this next tournament just as SHE is getting a new shelter.

I’m thrilled to announce that CLAW 5 will feature celebrity judges Straight Punch to the Crotch, who are debuting their soon-to-be hit power ballad “CLAW” for the audience on Tuesday night!!! They are releasing a new CD on June 21st.

Don’t miss it. And, you know the drill… bring cash and a friend who’s never experienced CLAW. Without further ado, here’s the lineup.

CLAW Raises $807 for P.E.A.C.E. Scooter Girl on April 8

Sardines would be embarrassed by how many folks we squeezed into the Blue Moon Diner Tuesday night. Oh my, but it was a glorious night of wrassling, drinking and cursing. Oh, and fundraising. After expenses, we raised $807 for our girl Cowgirl Sady-istic aka P.E.A.C.E. Scooter Girl, who’s departing to make her peace documentary on her scooter in just a few weeks. You can read her rolicking account of the night on her blog.

The new wrassler The Homewrecker was dominant from the very first round and went on to win the competition after crushing tiny houses and tiny arms. There was a fracas between the Under-the-Table Empire and a “good looking man” in the front row, as Nurse Cheryl refers to him. The whole thing is beautifully documented by the Daily Progress’s Megan Lovett on the DP website.

Kaity the Harrible, the crowd favorite, who showed very respectably in the final round with Homewrecker, gave my favorite quote to the media: “Arm wrestling is…mmmm….maybe 90% mental and 80% physical. You gotta want it.”

Stay tuned for info about next month’s tournament on May 13th in support of the Charlottesville Derby Dames.

April 8th Tournament in Support of P.E.A.C.E. Scooter Girl!

CLAW is proud to support P.E.A.C.E. Scooter Girl, Alix Bryan [AKA Cowgirl Sady-istic], with the proceeds from our April 8th Tournament.

P.E.A.C.E. (that stands for Patriot’s Exhibition Advancing Community and Environmentalism) Scooter is a ride across and around the U.S. to discover how Americans define the word “Peace.” It is also an active demonstration that Peace is a way–it is every step, every mile, every moment. Alix’s 20,000-mile route on back roads creates a huge Peace sign on the U.S. map.

Last year, Alix completed 11,000 miles and heads back out in May to finish the remaining 9,000 miles. Her focus is not only on Peace, but also on community and environmentalism. She hopes to find events like CLAW that are helping to make a difference in community (but doubts there is anything quite like CLAW).

Along the way, she will interview hundreds of people, exploring how individuals and communities define and work towards Peace. All bizarre, enlightening and humorous moments with the people she encounters will be showcased through film and on a blog, for free, on her website. She definitely needs your support and invites you to follow the journey starting May 2, 2008.

Her goal is to raise at least $1 per 1 mile traveled, by inviting community to sponsor parts of the Peace Map. After expenses are covered, she hopes to have raised at least $10,000 for donation to grassroots, community based, educational nonprofits–to help them keep the lights on. Along her route she will also be volunteering, collecting can goods through scooter shops and mowing lawns into Peace signs.

Don’t miss the opportunity to give Alix a big sendoff on April 8th! Come to Blue Moon Diner early. The tournament starts at 8:00 p.m. and you’ll need CASH for merch, fake bribing, and fake betting!