Tag Archives: charlottesville

CLAW X Smackdown of Champions on 11/11

This is it, folks! The final CLAW of 2008 and maybe… EVER. All stops will be pulled out, if you know what I’m sayin’. This all-champion edition features the winners of the 2008 physical competitions in the most ferocious, bloodthirsty battle for the ultimate crown. Who knows what will happen as these champs claw their way to the fakest victory yet. The contestants are:

Kaity “The Harrible” Harr
Kara “The Homewrecker” Dawson
Serena “Bridezilla” Gruia
Reagan “Tragedy Ann” Greenfield
Steph “Trixie the Vault Mancini” Finn
Tara “Pitbull” Hodges
Kristin “Tinkerhell” Solomon
Jennifer “Cville Knievel” Tidwell

(Champ Amy “Bunny Hampton” Ferguson will not be participating on account of being three minutes away from delivering her baby.)

Did I mention we’re doing it for the children? Well, technically for Computers for the Children aka Computers 4 Kids?

We are thrilled to announce that our celebrity judges include Rita Mae Brown and Permament Lifetime Judge Jim Waive.

As always, we’ll be accompanied by our house band Straight Punch to the Crotch. The smackdown will be followed by a dance party, featuring DJ Western Front.

**Empty your bank account. REMEMBER TO BRING $$ for betting, bribing, fancy new CLAW books, CLAW film, fancy new trading cards & t-shirts. And drinks.**

**DRESS WARMLY. We’ll be outside under a large heated tent.**

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CLAW 8 on 9/9 for Books Behind Bars

What’s the connection between lady arm wrestlers, prisoners, and literature? Who knows? It just so happens this CLAW will mark our third event for a prison-related organization, this time Kay Allison’s (of Quest Bookshop) Books Behind Bars, a 20-year-long project that buys and mails books to prisoners on request.

We’re also excited to announce that Jenny Johnson, a local writer and old school CLAW fan, recently won her way into the 50 Best New Poets anthology with a poem written about CLAW, called “Ladies’ Arm Wrestling at the Blue Moon Diner.” She will be reading this poem at CLAW 8. Please get there early, as we exceeded our 300-person capacity by 8:30 last time! It goes a little something like this:

Ladies’ Arm Wrestling Match at The Blue Moon Diner

On a red booth with Rose, right hand bracing a beer,
left elbow dismantling a pastoral, we shout into the throng—

In a leather body suit, Stiletto squeezes, insists, reconciles,
hazel eyes working overtime on the fist of her opponent.

Under the table there’s a penalty, “Left foot off the ground!”
A python en-circling her bicep, Sidewinder hisses like this:  Sss Sss Sss

Then, Cheryl, golden as Carhartts, softening us,

“My grandma always told me if life gives you lemons

throw ’em away.” And so, we loosen. We shuffle off sore tendons.
Tuesdays. And insults cat-called out Chevy windows.

Clinking whiskey glasses, we wipe away sweat and
old flames who only leave muscles warm in daydreams.

Before the heat begins again, I have this vision
of a kid kicking up dust for hours in the road.

All I ever found in the gravel was the paper body,
what the gartersnake shed. Take off that old suit, tonight.

Even as your good arm shudders to the mat
like the waning crescent meeting the mouth of the Shenandoah.

In new skin, come back again and again. Own this acreage.
This new ground rippling under rolled sleeves.

–Jenny Johnson

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CLAW 7 Raises $2,081 for Food Not Bombs

On August 12th, the CLAWs staged their seventh tournament, with the net proceeds of $2,081 going to the local chapter of Food Not Bombs. It was an anarchic, unpredictable and fruitful night, much like Food Not Bombs itself. Billy Hunt’s photos are here and Missy Colombo’s are here. Congratulations to the final duo of Tragedy Ann and The School Marm.

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CLAW to Raise Funds for SARA on July 8th

CLAW is pleased to announce that July 8th we will wrestle in the name of S.A.R.A., or the Sexual Assault Resource Agency. This event will take place rain or shine from 8-10 PM behind the Blue Moon Diner under a tent. Bring your friends and some cash for bribing, betting and merch!

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Lyrics to “I Love My CLAW” by Straight Punch to the Crotch

I knocked the light out of the sun with my claw
I sailed the seven seas with my claw
I scratched my head with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my claw?

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

Mama said cook the chicken I say, “Hell No!”
Daddy said clean up, he know where to go
There’s only one thing I’ve got to do now
Suitin’ up gonna let these guns roll

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

I threw the I-Ching with my claw
I rang the Church bells with my Claw
I saved Hanuman with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my Claw

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

This is the life I lead
Opening the flood gates, take it to the mat now

Now I’ve got everything I need
My home, my country, all my sisters now

Here I am coming at you full speed
I’m a freight train running through your back door

Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be
First a beat down, then another beat down.

I love my, I love my CLAW
I love my, I love my CLAW

~Copyright 2008 Straight Punch to the Crotch

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CLAW Raises $1005 for S.H.E. on June 10th!

On June 10th, beneath a crackling, lightning filled sky, under a white tent, next to a white garage, the Charlottesville Lady Arm Wrestlers transformed their dirty, backroom activities at the Blue Moon Diner into … well, dirty outdoor activities at the Blue Moon Diner. According to our sky-CLAW blimp, there were somewhere between 100-300 people in attendance at CLAW 5. Rosie was back on the mike as emcee, The Empire was back under the table, and Straight Punch to the Crotch dazzled the audience with their new CLAW anthem as well as many other rockin’ songs for the crowd to dance to. The Ref brought a new, mostly AAA regulation toolkit containing handcuffs, kazoos, a ratchet set, a saw and some other unmentionables.

We had 2, not one, sound guys and almost managed to have the wrasslers’ theme songs play correctly, i.e. out loud, and in the right order. We had a fantastic display of appropriately poor sportsladyship and creativity with a bunch of new wrestlers. Here was the round 1 lineup (* indicates winner of matchup):

1
Unholy Betty Roller (Lisa Speidel)*
Mohammed Sugar Ray Cato Bruce Lee (Sara Elizabeth)

2
The Punctuator (Cathy Harding)
Tinkerhell (Kristin Hennings Solomon)*

3
Ulysses S. Nopants (Lily McVey)
Purple Haze (Amy McLeskey)*

4
The Pitbull (Tara Hodges)*
Sparkles (Lara Fisher)

The final round was a matchup between TinkerHell (who doesn’t give a@#$% if you believe in fairies) and The Pitbull, with TinkerHell taking the championship and winning the crowd favorite title and trophy. The event raised $1,005 for the Shelter for Help in Emergency (SHE).

Next Tournament: July 8th. Charity TBD.

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Photographer Billy Hunt Presents CLAW Portraits on June 6th at Cafe Cubano

Our official photographer Billy Hunt is about to wow the city with his portraits and candid photos of CLAW matches. The show, titled appropriately CLAW!!!!!!!!, opens tonight, June 6th, at 6:00 at Cafe Cubano. Here are the digital versions.

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