CLAW X Smackdown of Champions on 11/11

This is it, folks! The final CLAW of 2008 and maybe… EVER. All stops will be pulled out, if you know what I’m sayin’. This all-champion edition features the winners of the 2008 physical competitions in the most ferocious, bloodthirsty battle for the ultimate crown. Who knows what will happen as these champs claw their way to the fakest victory yet. The contestants are:

Kaity “The Harrible” Harr
Kara “The Homewrecker” Dawson
Serena “Bridezilla” Gruia
Reagan “Tragedy Ann” Greenfield
Steph “Trixie the Vault Mancini” Finn
Tara “Pitbull” Hodges
Kristin “Tinkerhell” Solomon
Jennifer “Cville Knievel” Tidwell

(Champ Amy “Bunny Hampton” Ferguson will not be participating on account of being three minutes away from delivering her baby.)

Did I mention we’re doing it for the children? Well, technically for Computers for the Children aka Computers 4 Kids?

We are thrilled to announce that our celebrity judges include Rita Mae Brown and Permament Lifetime Judge Jim Waive.

As always, we’ll be accompanied by our house band Straight Punch to the Crotch. The smackdown will be followed by a dance party, featuring DJ Western Front.

**Empty your bank account. REMEMBER TO BRING $$ for betting, bribing, fancy new CLAW books, CLAW film, fancy new trading cards & t-shirts. And drinks.**

**DRESS WARMLY. We’ll be outside under a large heated tent.**

CLAW Anthem Available for Download from Monkeyclaus

Thanks to the folks at Monkeyclaus, the CLAW Anthem by Straight Punch to the Crotch is now available for download on the Monkeyclaus website.  Just click on the album cover below. Thanks, Abel and Peter!

CLAW Anthem by Straight Punch to the Crotch

CLAW 8 on 9/9 for Books Behind Bars

What’s the connection between lady arm wrestlers, prisoners, and literature? Who knows? It just so happens this CLAW will mark our third event for a prison-related organization, this time Kay Allison’s (of Quest Bookshop) Books Behind Bars, a 20-year-long project that buys and mails books to prisoners on request.

We’re also excited to announce that Jenny Johnson, a local writer and old school CLAW fan, recently won her way into the 50 Best New Poets anthology with a poem written about CLAW, called “Ladies’ Arm Wrestling at the Blue Moon Diner.” She will be reading this poem at CLAW 8. Please get there early, as we exceeded our 300-person capacity by 8:30 last time! It goes a little something like this:

Ladies’ Arm Wrestling Match at The Blue Moon Diner

On a red booth with Rose, right hand bracing a beer,
left elbow dismantling a pastoral, we shout into the throng—

In a leather body suit, Stiletto squeezes, insists, reconciles,
hazel eyes working overtime on the fist of her opponent.

Under the table there’s a penalty, “Left foot off the ground!”
A python en-circling her bicep, Sidewinder hisses like this:  Sss Sss Sss

Then, Cheryl, golden as Carhartts, softening us,

“My grandma always told me if life gives you lemons

throw ’em away.” And so, we loosen. We shuffle off sore tendons.
Tuesdays. And insults cat-called out Chevy windows.

Clinking whiskey glasses, we wipe away sweat and
old flames who only leave muscles warm in daydreams.

Before the heat begins again, I have this vision
of a kid kicking up dust for hours in the road.

All I ever found in the gravel was the paper body,
what the gartersnake shed. Take off that old suit, tonight.

Even as your good arm shudders to the mat
like the waning crescent meeting the mouth of the Shenandoah.

In new skin, come back again and again. Own this acreage.
This new ground rippling under rolled sleeves.

–Jenny Johnson

CLAW to Raise Funds for SARA on July 8th

CLAW is pleased to announce that July 8th we will wrestle in the name of S.A.R.A., or the Sexual Assault Resource Agency. This event will take place rain or shine from 8-10 PM behind the Blue Moon Diner under a tent. Bring your friends and some cash for bribing, betting and merch!

Lyrics to “I Love My CLAW” by Straight Punch to the Crotch

I knocked the light out of the sun with my claw
I sailed the seven seas with my claw
I scratched my head with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my claw?

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

Mama said cook the chicken I say, “Hell No!”
Daddy said clean up, he know where to go
There’s only one thing I’ve got to do now
Suitin’ up gonna let these guns roll

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

I threw the I-Ching with my claw
I rang the Church bells with my Claw
I saved Hanuman with my claw
Now don’t you want to party with my Claw

I love my, I love my Claw
I love my, I love my Claw

This is the life I lead
Opening the flood gates, take it to the mat now

Now I’ve got everything I need
My home, my country, all my sisters now

Here I am coming at you full speed
I’m a freight train running through your back door

Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be, Couldn’t it be
First a beat down, then another beat down.

I love my, I love my CLAW
I love my, I love my CLAW

~Copyright 2008 Straight Punch to the Crotch

Photographer Billy Hunt Presents CLAW Portraits on June 6th at Cafe Cubano

Our official photographer Billy Hunt is about to wow the city with his portraits and candid photos of CLAW matches. The show, titled appropriately CLAW!!!!!!!!, opens tonight, June 6th, at 6:00 at Cafe Cubano. Here are the digital versions.

CLAW 5 Under a Tent on June 10th to Support S.H.E.

Please join the CLAWs this Tuesday, June 10th, from 8-10 PM, for our first-ever outdoor tournament behind the Blue Moon Diner! This month, the proceeds from merchandise sales, fake betting and bribing benefit the Shelter for Help in Emergency (S.H.E.).

The Shelter for Help in Emergency works to end domestic violence in our community by providing a 24 hour crisis hotline, emergency shelter, court advocacy, information and referrals and supportive counseling in Charlottesville, Louisa, Nelson, Fluvanna, Green and Albemarle Counties. Currently, in addition to cash, they are in need of bus tickets, grocery cards, phone cards, used cell phones, household and toiletry items to help the clients who are seeking safety and shelter at the facility.

I think it’s fitting that we will occupy a new shelter for this next tournament just as SHE is getting a new shelter.

I’m thrilled to announce that CLAW 5 will feature celebrity judges Straight Punch to the Crotch, who are debuting their soon-to-be hit power ballad “CLAW” for the audience on Tuesday night!!! They are releasing a new CD on June 21st.

Don’t miss it. And, you know the drill… bring cash and a friend who’s never experienced CLAW. Without further ado, here’s the lineup.

CLAW Raises $807 for P.E.A.C.E. Scooter Girl on April 8

Sardines would be embarrassed by how many folks we squeezed into the Blue Moon Diner Tuesday night. Oh my, but it was a glorious night of wrassling, drinking and cursing. Oh, and fundraising. After expenses, we raised $807 for our girl Cowgirl Sady-istic aka P.E.A.C.E. Scooter Girl, who’s departing to make her peace documentary on her scooter in just a few weeks. You can read her rolicking account of the night on her blog.

The new wrassler The Homewrecker was dominant from the very first round and went on to win the competition after crushing tiny houses and tiny arms. There was a fracas between the Under-the-Table Empire and a “good looking man” in the front row, as Nurse Cheryl refers to him. The whole thing is beautifully documented by the Daily Progress’s Megan Lovett on the DP website.

Kaity the Harrible, the crowd favorite, who showed very respectably in the final round with Homewrecker, gave my favorite quote to the media: “Arm wrestling is…mmmm….maybe 90% mental and 80% physical. You gotta want it.”

Stay tuned for info about next month’s tournament on May 13th in support of the Charlottesville Derby Dames.

CLAW 2 Rocks it for Community Bikes March 11th

CLAW 2 was a resounding success! The Blue Moon Diner crammed about 25% more people in, we put the wrestling table on a platform for better visibility of the action, added a sound system, and a PA for the emcee (that would be me). Our champion of the night was the spicy Bunny Hampton (who’s pictured with The Ref in the blog masthead), a newcomer to CLAW, a tantalizing mixture of rabbit, skeleton and rich socialite. She came away with a beautiful gold trophy, courtesy of our fundraising recipient Community Bikes, and with a set of claws. Leopard fake fingernails, to be specific. Thanks to all the awesome wrasslers who brought the mojo:

Magellan [Runner-up and all-around adorable member of P.A.W.A.]
The ChemMistress
Cowgirl Sady-istic
Lefty Red
Tragedy Ann
Stiletto Southpaw
The Crone
Bunny Hampton [Crowd favorite and winner of the competition]

And to The Ref, the Under-the-Table Umpire (who engaged in some fiery conflict with Stiletto this time), MoJo, Trixie, Kaity the Harrible, Nurse Cheryl, and our fabulous celebrity judges Brandon Collins and Stephen Barling of BC.

CLAW photographer Billy Hunt (who will be doing a CLAW photo show in June at Cafe Cubano), has put up his terrific shots here. Another CLAW documentarian and devotee, Anthony Childs, has posted his CLAW photos on Facebook here and here, but you’ll need an account to view them.

In financial news, we took in $585, which is impressive considering that at our inaugural CLAW in February we had one individual who gave $300 and we sold a ton of merch. This time, our $300 guy wasn’t in attendance and we sold far fewer t-shirts (we think Opal was too far from the action, which we can fix next time). So we basically made the same amount of money without much merch or a single large donation.

There’s always more to improve and next time we will pay special attention to the microphone/amp and the music, as several people’s CDs either didn’t play or weren’t loud enough. I apologize for your disappointment if this is you. I also heartily apologize to Bunny Hampton for hurting her arm in the final, unfair showdown between the champ and the emcee whose only physical work all evening is holding up a microphone. Next month, I look forward to wrestling fairly as The Prim Reaper with Sian emceeing.

Females, please let me know asap if you want to wrestle April 8th!